An uneven relationship

I’ve been dating a woman that I met on an online dating site since November, and I like her a lot, she’s a lot of fun, and we have a good time together. We both have a busy schedule, and limited time to see each other. It seemed like a perfect relationship, but we’re at a point where she is more serious about things than I am. She is planning, tentatively, a future for us that I don’t see happening.

I’m not against a long term relationship, but she isn’t the person for me. I’ve been honest about this, I like her, and I don’t want to break things off, but I also don’t want her to be hurt. There will come a time where she wants a commitment that I’m not willing to commit to. She has let me know that I am something different in her life. She got married early and has never met anyone like me before. That feels pretty good, especially after being unceremoniously dumped. I’ve let her know that I’m not in love, and she has acknowledged that fact, and she’s lots of fun. We go to plays, movies, dinners, and have a good time together. So is it reasonable to continue to date, or is it better to end things now. I don’t know. I’ve been married for the last 15 years, and she was married for 26 years.

I want to do the right thing,but at the same time, I want to be fair to myself too.

This woman is attractive, and intelligent, but I know she isn’t “the one” for me. I’m not sure why, but she isn’t. I want to be honest, and reasonable. I’m having fun, she’s having fun. I’ve been clear about my feelings. So is it ok to keep showing up?


3 thoughts on “An uneven relationship

  1. T says:


    Well, it sounds like you’re being honest with her. Why do you think she’d want a “commitment”… and by “commitment”, do you mean marriage? Are you wanting to marry again? And if your divorce is fresh, you may not be ready for anything serious or monogamous as of yet, yes?

    I’d be completely up front with your feelings and continue to be. Perhaps you’re nothing more than friends with benefits? Maybe you’re just not ready for anything more? Maybe you do need to end things if she wants more or is in a different place emotionally than you are?

    There are too many questions that only you and she can answer.

    Good luck.

  2. EPG says:

    Dude, be a man and break things off with her. She told you she wants a commitment, you don’t want to give one, so break it off and find a woman who also doesn’t want a commitment. The longer you stay with this one the longer she will hope that you will change your mind. Be a man and think of her for once. Stop being so selfish and match your actions to your words.

    • newsingledad says:

      I actually did that before the beginning of the summer.

      But I’m curious, if the situation was reversed, would you tell the female of the relationship to “be a man”? Is it always the man’s responsibility to make the correct decisions, to accurately assess the situation, and follow through with the correct action? Isn’t it as much her responsibility to see that the relationship isn’t going the way she wants and move on? Demand more or be done?

      I’m all for equal rights, and equal responsibility. Either party in a relationship should have the option and responsibility to change it, or end it, based on their personal needs. If she’s not happy with my level of commitment, she was welcome to say she needed more, or she needed to move on. She said that she understood what I was telling her, that I wasn’t in love, and might not ever be, and she was ok with it, except that she wasn’t. I took the step to end things, because she wasn’t happy, which was making me unhappy. Was I not responsible or reasonable to let her make decisions for her life, and make mine for me? Considering we’re both responsible adults, we’re both recently divorced and we were both being honest about our feelings?

      If I’m responsible for my own feelings, and for my partner’s feelings, I might need to just avoid this dating things entirely.

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