So I’ve been putting off buying tickets to a show the kids really wanted to see, because they’re expensive, and I wasn’t sure how much they’re really enjoy it. So I came up with a little extra cash, and they mentioned it again, so I went out and spent the $115 to buy us tickets, double checking that it’s really my weekend, and they’d be with me.
I then found out that my daughter has a sports competition a couple of hours away on the same day. If we leave there early and race back, we can make it with time to munch down a quick dinner in between.
So I’m stressed out over trying to organize that, make sure we give her enough time to compete, and enough time for me to drive us home again, and then I find out that her Mom is going to be there, and her boyfriend usually goes with her to these things.
So now, I’m sitting here at work, with my hands shaking, my heart racing, and really it’s just not a big deal. Disaster has been averted, for the most part and I’m bordering on basket case.
I’ve actually done pretty good with the “not falling apart” thing, and I think on the outside I’m appearing fairly normal, (although we all think we’re looking good on the outside when we’re freaking out). But the boyfriend thing, and having the kids there is going to be a hard one for me. I’m not at all ready for that, especially with the gun thing not resolved.
Being a step-dad myself, the one thing I didn’t ever want to have, is someone else raising my kids. I know that they love me, and that they’re allowed to love other people, and there’s no shortage of affection for my kids, but I’m selfish, and I don’t want anyone else playing dad, and while I’ve almost come to terms with the fact that that’s going to happen,
So I’m here at work, falling apart. My heart is racing, my hands are shaking, I’d like to find a hole and crawl into it, and it’s all because sometime next month, there’s a chance I’ll have to be in the same room with the woman that I planned to spend the rest of my life with, and the guy that she’s sleeping with.
Now, if I was reading this, instead of typing it, I’d be telling the writer that it makes no sense to get all flustered over something that is:
b. a month away
c. likely to change 3 times before it happens
d. mostly out of my control
But being in the middle of it, rather than on the outside, it makes it considerably to think that way, when the thoughts are all jumbled and conflicting.
Much like the former CEO of BP, I wish I could have my life back.