Do you see a light?

I spend a good portion of my day talking on the phone, fixing things for people, helping them set things up. I was lucky enough to have one of my favorite customers, who I have never met in person, call in this morning. Even though he haMaybe there is a light, somehwered bad news, his office had been broken into, and computers stolen, and he needed help configuring the new ones, I was happy to hear from him. We chatted about things in between check boxes and IP addresses, and he asked me if I was dating yet. I laughed. Nope… not dating, and oddly enough, not really sure that I want to be “dating”. It’s a term with a fairly wide definition, but regardless of who is defining it, I’m not currently doing it. We got things fixed, he invited me to come visit him in Phoenix, saying he’d put me up and feed me, and I wouldn’t even have to work on his computers. I’m considering taking him up on it. It’s not the first time he’s offered and I believe it’s a genuine offer.

Later in the day, a customer I haven’t had much contact with called. He told me he knew he was behind on his bill, and that he’d like to get it taken care of, and apologized, and said he’d had some long running family issues. We talked for a while, and I told him, the short version, of my family situation, and the small business I run, that is similar to his. He asked a question that no one has asked me before, he said… “Do you see the light at the end of the tunnel yet?”

I had to actually think about it.

I can imagine the light, and I can see the fact that my outlook on life will improve, and I’ll meet someone to hang out with or even, (shudder) date sometime in the future. It’s pretty much inevitable, and I told him that. I don’t see it, but I know it’s out there somewhere, and that I’ll get there. Because, really, what are my options? Get there or die.

They were both refreshing conversations. The one with the lawyer, which came later in the day wasn’t refreshing or uplifting. I think the light moved back a few yards with that one. But eventually that will be over, and the light will come into view.

I’ve been trying to figure out what it is I really want out of my life. What event or events will make the light visible, (although I hadn’t thought about it in those terms). I’ve been living reactively, no planning, or figuring things out, just reacting to what’s going on around me and inside of me, which is a lot of stuff. I think I need to figure out how to start living proactively. I need to figure out what’s next for me, beyond the Dad thing. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, parenting and being a spouse, and providing and managing has taken up just about all of my time and energy. I haven’t really taken a lot of time to think about what the next chapter of my life holds. Most of the time, I don’t care.

But that light is out there somewhere. I know it is. I’m just wondering how long the tunnel is, and if I have enough steam to get to the end of it.

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