Crack in the Dam

For quite a while now, many of my friends, and some of the closer clients that I work with have told me that I’m holding up really well, considering that situation. Between the pending divorce, my wife’s company being tens of thousands of dollars in debt, seeing the kids only half the time, (for which I’m very lucky to have that much), working full time, and keeping my own small business running. I didn’t feel like was holding it all together, but nothing had exploded, burnt down, or been turned off for non-payment.

This weekend the secret hole where I’ve been tucking away all the hurt overflowed like the sewer in a flood. It was messy and stinky, and it was good that it was my weekend alone. It’s been sunny and nice out, and I’ve been surly and unhappy. Today I sat down to get some work done, and turned on music. Many songs yank on my heart strings, but the song “Her Diamonds” by Rob Thomas came up, and I considered skipping it, but I was committed to getting work done, and decided to just listen to whatever came up. I was crying my eyes out, couldn’t even see the screen to get anything done. It just seemed to hit the right nerve, (song an lyrics here).

There’s really nothing to do when that starts but ride it out. I played the song over and over, read the lyrics, (when I could see clearly) and just let the crap that had been piling up out all over the place. It was a long process, and I’d like to say that I feel a whole lot better now, but really, I don’t. I called a friend who is also on the dumpee side of a divorce and she said that she’s gone through that a few times, and she was happy to hear that it wasn’t unique to her. We came to the conclusion that there’s really nothing you can do about those except hope that they don’t happen in the middle of something important.

My assumption is that these will come less often and be less overwhelming as time goes on, and there’s some level of comfort in that, but it’s really no fun to find out that I’m not really holding it all together, and that this all sucks, and I’m unhappy, and whine whine whine.